glitterpants | [ LITTLE HADES ] ✖ IC contact

_{[ It's disgusting. Gross. It's so weak to let it all out and Karamatsu can feel his cheeks burning from anger and disappointment in himself— he feels his stomach flip flop from regret filling up in it. He doesn't try to resist Ichimatsu when he pulls his hands from his face, choking on his own gasps, eyes squeezed so shut from being ashamed to show such a revolting display. Karamatsu doesn't want to look at Ichimatsu. He doesn't want to see anything that looks like himself right now, which is usually opposite for him since he's a particularly vain creature.

As tears trickle out of his eyes and he can see a distorted picture of his brother, his eyes close again, refusing to open them. He hiccups, only once, from not breathing enough and in a small voice, he replies: ]}

—You all never came to rescue me when I was in physical trouble— why would you come and save me when I'm in emotional trouble?

There's an immeasurably huge difference between you being kidnapped by Chibita and you wanting to kill yourself, shithead.

[He huffs, hating that this conversation is happening at all, but hating more, he thinks, that he spent so much time being hateful. Hindsight is 20/20, don't they say? He rubs his thumbs in Karamatsu's palms idly, unable to be completely still. He's still not close to Karamatsu, and isn't sure he really wants to be-- he likes his space and his distance, and he's pretty sure Karamatsu would completely disregard that.]

...I was only ever kidding about wanting to die about half the time, you know. I know what that's like. I'm not saying I'm approachable or ever was, but.

[Grunt.]

I. Wish it had been different.

[Whether he means that he wishes he had been approachable, or that Karamatsu hadn't killed himself, or... any number of other things, is hard to say.]

_{[ The comforting thumbs rubbing into his palms calms him down enough to where he can actually listen to Ichimatsu's words. Warm snot begins to run out of his nostril, but he can finally look at Ichimatsu and not feel as terrible as he would have felt a few seconds ago.
There's a slight whimper that whines in his throat. ]}

My brother.. I wish I was different.. so I could have been there to help you.
_{[ He doesn't know how Ichimatsu died, thank God, but he only assumes it was something terrible with how.. terrible Ichimatsu is to himself all of the time. ]}

You're right. I'm completely selfish..
_{[ He just really wants to disappear after all of this, truly. ]}

.. Would you have even helped me before this happened..?

[He shakes their hands, gently, and then brings Karamatsu's together to absently butt his knuckles together.]

Shut up, that's not the point. I had my own ways of dealing with things, you know I don't do well being put on the spot. [He'd have probably shit on you. Literally.]

[He frowns at their hands and fidgets with them, shifting his weight from foot to foot for a long time, and then shrugs.]

...I don't know. I'm not a good person, I'd have probably just ignored you. But I want to think that maybe if there'd been obvious signs of intent I may have at least been slightly less shitty.

_{[ Karamatsu stands there for a moment, watching Ichimatsu hold his hands and try to comfort him, which is weird, and honestly, it's not very comforting at all. Without much warning, he jerks his hands out of Ichimatsu's hold. ]}

You're trying to say it's my fault.
_{[ I mean, that's entirely true considering he was the one to pull the trigger, but it's not something he needs to hear right now. He huffs his signature chuckle, but it sounds more irritated than anything. ]}

I can't get any encouragement from any of you, can I? Just this.
_{[ Karamatsu says, gesturing where his face was hit. ]}

[He makes a startled half-sound in the back of his throat at that, and can't meet his eyes for a while. Some strange collection of expressions wash over his face, from confused to frustrated to just the barest hints of melancholy, and finally he just closes his eyes and shakes his head, forcing a half-chuckle of his own.]

[The half-quirk to one corner of his mouth doesn't look like a smile at all, more like a grimace. Of course he couldn't give encouragement. He doesn't know how. That's why he's coddled, why the others are always providing him with it. Maybe that's the problem-- he saps all their niceness out, so nobody has any left for Karamatsu. Because he's the one that's coddled and broken, and still mean and nasty and bitter with it. His stomach twists and the attempt at a smile quirking one corner of his mouth sours, like it hurts to maintain, as he brings his eyes up to look at Karamatsu.]

...You have no reason to believe I'm trying at all, so. Not from me, all you can get from me is insults and punches thrown.

[He drops his gaze again.]

...I'm just making this worse. [Like always.]

_{[ What Ichimatsu is saying is true. It is. All of the hurtful words he's said to him through their entire lives, and yet, he's treated just like some little shitty baby, loved and adored, smothered in affection and care because everybody worries about him. Everybody is worried for his well being— Karamatsu knew if it was Ichimatsu on the rooftop that everybody would have come looking for him; everybody would have wondered where poor Ichimatsu went.
Karamatsu was so jealous. He wanted that kind of attention and care more than anything and here this hateful brother couldn't show an ounce of gratitude. It took some mind reading cat to actually hint at the idea that Ichimatsu didn't need anything else.. because he had everything. He had everything just right here with his family because they all gave it to him so easily.

He. Had. Everything.
Karamatsu felt like he had nothing.

He doesn't know how Ichimatsu got to Hell, but he knew: Ichimatsu didn't commit suicide. Why didn't he commit suicide? Because somebody would have been there for him.

Unlike Karamatsu.

Ichimatsu is weak and fragile, just like Karamatsu is beneath that mask he so cleverly wears— the same old mask that he has had to repair plenty of times, fearing that once again, people won't like who he is. He wants to be who people love— he wants to somehow have what Ichimatsu has. Karamatsu isn't sure what causes his emotion to twist so suddenly, but it was probably the whole dark atmosphere— being in Hell, side by the side with somebody who— in the long run— meant very well but treated you poorly when you were living. Not all of the time, but.. Ichimatsu was a contributing cause for Karamatsu's decision along with his other selfish thoughts.

Karamatsu finally reaches out and grabs Ichimatsu by the collar, rage finally surfacing on his face after hiding it for so long.
My God, it felt so good.. which was terrifying. It felt so good to grit his teeth and curve his hand into a tight fist and pull his arm back, the rounds of his knuckles aimed at the same area that Ichimatsu hit him— ]}

Brother—

Edited 2016-09-13 03:37 (UTC)

_{[ He can't do it. He can't. Even with his face throbbing in pain from Ichimatsu's hits, he can't do it. He can't hit his younger brother. Not after all they've shared together.

Side by side in living and side by side here, in death, with so much that Karamatsu wants to say and so much that Karamatsu regrets. He knows Ichimatsu will make fun of him for not punching him but..

He can't. Not when he had promised himself to protect those who are weak, those who need help.

But it tore him to pieces. All of this, it was tearing him to pieces.

Karamatsu's posture relaxes as he lets out a shaking breath through his teeth, frightened of his own reaction. He counts to three in his mind and closes his eyes, feeling them wet with his tears that he previously shed. ]}

... You need to be more thankful for what you have. Others are not so fortunate as you are.

Edited 2016-09-13 03:42 (UTC)

[He was quiet-- but then again he'd always been quiet. Maybe quieter was more appropriate. He didn't really react to Karamatsu stepping closer, reaching out and grasping the collar of his shirt in an angry fistful. He picks up his head as an afterthought, watching the frustration and the hurt of years of mistreatment boil in his brother's eyes and turn to rage, watching his hand curl into a neat fist and wind back.]

[Ah, he was going to hit him.]

[His eyes drop closed and he goes mostly limp in Karamatsu's grasp, waiting to be knocked off his feet by a hatred-fueled right hook--]

[But instead, all that happens is a relax in the older's posture and a shaking sigh. Ichimatsu locks his knees to keep from toppling over from the shift. His eyes open, and he stares vacantly at some point on the ground just behind Karamatsu and to his left. His mouth works silently for a moment, repeating-- others are not so fortunate.]

[The change in him is abrupt, almost violent, and his entire upper half shakes with a dry, humorless laugh. He takes a small step backward, eyes still angled to the ground, and curls his arms around his middle.]

"Fortunate". [He immediately segues into a different topic, like the first word wasn't meant to be spoken.] Why didn't you hit me? You could have finally given back a tiny, tiny bit of all the shit I've given you all this time. You could have beaten me down and watched me fall, instead of helping me up like you insist on doing anyway.

[His arms curl tighter around his middle, and he hunches forward, looking up finally. His face is blotched red around his cheeks and eyes, and his eyes themselves have glassed over only just enough to be noticed.]

"Fortunate", am I? When all this time I've wanted to do what you did? I don't even have the ballsack to do that much, though-- I'm a spineless, worthless sack of hateful garbage that can't even die right, and you think I'm fortunate?

[He laughs another short bark of a sound, shaking his head and taking another step backward. ]

Don't envy me, Karamatsu. I get it, now-- you wanted the attention I've gotten all this time, and if I'd known I'd have only held it away from you to spite you. It's the only way I know how to act-- spiteful. Hateful.

[He doesn't seem to realize that now he's started crying, only vaguely registering that his vision was blurred as he tries his damnedest to glare up at Karamatsu.]

It'd serve me right, for you all to get wise and throw it back in my face. So why won't you?

_{[ This was the exact response that he was expecting from Ichimatsu. A long, big monologue about self hatred— how he deserved it. He does deserve it. Ichimatsu does deserve it..
Karamatsu isn't the one to do it, though.. and that's because: ]}

.. Because I'm spineless, worthless and a sack of selfish garbage that can't even live right. That's why I won't.

_{[ It clicks— how much they are alike— how afraid he is. Afraid of standing up for himself; afraid of what others might think.
Karamatsu can't bring himself to look at Ichimatsu when he's his younger brother who is crying— but maybe that's because he's beginning to cry too.

So he simply turns, feeling defeated.
Like always. ]}

[He laughs again, sour and humorless, smearing the heels of his hands over his eyes.]

Well we're dead now, [He mutters, sinking and sitting on his knees.] We're dead and we can't take it back. I can't undo being awful, but I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to kill yourself. [It should have been him. Karamatsu at least could have taken care of their remaining siblings.]

[He still wishes he'd hit him.]

_{[ ... I'm sorry, he says.
Karamatsu stops in his tracks, keeping his back completely facing Ichimatsu. He doesn't want to talk right at this very moment, but.. ]}

You can't undo it but.. maybe you can change it. Maybe I'll try to change myself too.
_{[ Even though he knows he probably can't.
Karamatsu starts walking, idly lifting his hand to the soreness on his face. ]}

You're.. _{[ don't say it, don't forgive him ]} ... not forgiven.
_{[ no niceness here, no comforting him here.. maybe that's a good first place for Karamatsu to start— to not forgive people so easily. ]}

[ LITTLE HADES ] ✖ IC contact

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1.2

2.2

1.2

2.2

no subject

no subject

no subject