glitterpants | [ LITTLE HADES ] ✖ IC contact

_{[ Poor Ichimatsu. He just doesn’t understand how alike they are in this regard, but Karamatsu is a little more knowing of it. Not just because he’s older by a few minutes, but because Ichimatsu is more vocal about his self-loathing feelings— there’s probably plenty of things that Ichimatsu vocally expressed that Karamatsu silently agreed with and reflected it back on himself. Although Karamatsu’s behavior was usually blown out of proportion into an embarrassing, flashy mess, at least Ichimatsu’s feelings regarding himself were honest, just a little scary. He was sick and disgusted that nobody came to his aid when he went missing that one night, but the second Ichimatsu would have gone missing, he knows.. he knows their entire family would be out looking for him. Him, this hateful creature— not Karamatsu who tried to reflect kindness, gentleness, love. Most of the time he was being true, but sometimes his actions were a bit over the top because he craved acceptance and being liked by somebody— anybody— entirely too much.

That’s because behind that bitter exterior, Ichimatsu was sweet and polite— a warm person who was insecure with who he was in this world. Sweet, polite, warm and insecure, all very true parts of both of their personalities. They’re both faking.

Karamatsu doesn’t bother to really blink an eye or cry at Ichimatsu’s hurtful words. He hears it all the time and now, he’s grown enough of a spine to just accept it. If it’s said so many times, it must be true, but specifically in this very moment where he feels like he needs and deserves punishment. If Ichimatsu ever wanted to lash out at him, now would be the precise time where Karamatsu actually thinks he deserves justice— justice for leaving his family for such a selfish reason.

But why? Why was Ichimatsu so angry? Why was Choromatsu so angry with him? Osomatsu knew how Karamatsu went, and yet.. he didn’t even bring it up in their conversations. Was that his way of also being angry about it? Obviously, it’s because they all care, a huge mistake on his part. He realizes he was believing a lie this entire time and his chest swells with regret, warm tears pricking the side of his eyes as he is handled around like, well, a bag of useless potatoes.

He remains seated on his ass after being so rudely plopped down. They’re both depressed, for whatever complicated reason, and it both started around high school. Somebody didn’t like who they both really were, or somebody hurt them both in a terrible way that made them both want to transform and disguise themselves into something else.

Karamatsu, the angry, sad, lonely, insecure person who felt like nobody could ever love somebody who gave off such traits, so he exchanged them for romantic words— too much kindness that he thought deserved approval in return— a flirt, who wanted more than anything to talk his way into a woman’s heart.

Ichimatsu, a sweet, anxious person with low-self esteem. Who could love somebody like that? Why even bother with any of it? Just push them all away, Get nasty, Get mean. Guard his already fragile heart at all costs— people weren’t worth getting damaged again.

Ichimatsu was calling Karamatsu out, so he’s just going to do the same. if Ichimatsu wants a genuine response, so be it. He wasn’t there when ESP Kitty did it. No, he was too busy tending to the wounds his very brothers put upon him.
So here it goes: ]}

You’re really a hypocrite, my dear brother. You think in all of the years that I’ve sat next to you, slept next to you, carried you in my arms.. I haven’t seen that kind spirit you have..? Hit me again, if you must, because I deserve this.

Though, don't forget one thing.
You’re pretending too, Ichimatsu.

Edited 2016-08-25 14:12 (UTC)

[Why did you have to turn this around on him. He can't talk about himself, he can't. He can't be honest. It's the one thing he has never fucking figured out how to do. It eats away at him, the way Karamatsu pretends when he's just fine on his own. He pretends because he's a gross, ugly, hateful person who is too insecure to hold a proper conversation without eventually trying to anxiously shit on something. Karamatsu just... Does it to receive different attention. More attention. Attention at all, Ichimatsu realizes.]

[Attention, which Ichimatsu doesn't ask for and yet always receives. And thrives off of. He couldn't give it up if he wanted to, he'd drown in his own head without someone to pull him out of it. He's pathetic. So he pretends to be less so, because he can't stand being so weak and incapable.]

[His stomach turns, and he wants more than anything to walk away from this conversation and possibly choke himself on his own fingers until he spills the contents of his vile stomach onto his shoes, because even that wouldn't make him as obviously gross as he really is. As he feels. But he can't, because he walked into this, and Karamatsu is trying to rile him. Karamatsu wants him to continue this. It's like a dare, and as much as he'd love to tuck his tail between his legs and retreat, he can't turn away from a challenge from one of his brothers. He can't seem that weak.]

I'm pretending?

[He spits the question, his voice cracking with overuse and strain.]

At least I don't have any misconceptions about what I am. I'm garbage, Karamatsu, we all are. "Kind spirit" my ass. I've shit on you for years upon years, and I bet you don't even have the slightest of an idea as to why.

[No, fuck, wait. This wasn't where he wanted this to go.]

_{[ He doesn't. He doesn't have a clue. Somewhere in his head, he thinks, because you're jealous, but then he doesn't even know what Ichimatsu would be jealous about. There's nothing to be jealous about— he pretends there is because there really isn't anything.
He rubs his hand against the swelling on his cheek. Ichimatsu is so right. He doesn't know who he is anymore, too scared to show his real feelings and trying so hard to be something else. ]}

—Then tell me why.
Because through all of the bad, I've seen all of the good in you too.
_{[ HE SAYS THIS AFTER YOU JUST PUNCHED HIM. ]}

Edited 2016-08-26 14:06 (UTC)

Shut up!!

[He lunges forward and takes him by the collar again, shaking him for a moment but never quite getting to the point that he hits him again. He seethes, dragging him up and glaring, lips pulled back from his recently-fanged teeth in a snarl that looks borderline animalistic.]

You don't know shit! You haven't seen anything!! I hate you-- Just-- Stop being such a fucking good person! It makes me sick!

_{[ Ichimatsu very rarely shown signs of acting tough. He kept a lot of thoughts and feelings hidden, but very rarely did he initiate such violent behavior towards his family. It was usually empty threats and big talk, but to feel Ichimatsu actually punch him, well. As odd as it sounded, it felt satisfying. Karamatsu he felt like he deserved this, and just by being hit and yelled at, he felt some guilt leave his shoulders for what he had done that brought him here.

Anyway, Ichimatsu is finally admitting that he's a good person, and that's.. exactly the kind of recognition he wants. He has to ask.. to make sure he heard correctly. ]}

W—What did you say..?
_{[ other than the I hate you part which he chose to ignore entirely. He knows you hate him— you don't have to vocalize it. ]}

You. Make. Me. Sick!! You're so fucking--

[He drops him and shoves him at the same time, whirling away and pacing. He curls and uncurls his hands into fists as he paces, inhaling and holding his breath and then exhaling like he can't figure out how to react. He's trying to calm down so he doesn't just beat the shit out of his brother for no real reason, but he keeps circling right back around to being afraid of not being an asshole.]

[Because, you know. Not being an asshole is something to be afraid of. Being Ichimatsu is hard.]

[He huffs, finally, the wind going out of his sails, and turns to look at him slowly. He looks... tired, more than he usually does.]

You're a good person. You actually give a shit. And it sucks, because I hate looking at you and seeing that, especially knowing that it was a damn farce because you killed yourself. Happy people don't kill themselves.

_{[ Watching Ichimatsu act this way breaks his heart— it does. He looks so angry and lost and for a moment, Karamatsu thinks he is looking at himself. It doesn't help that they're twins. Sometimes, he wish he could speak his mind like this. It would feel so much better.

He does give a shit about you all but god. He is really bitter about you all as well. ]}

.. just because I'm nice doesn't mean I'm happy, Ichimatsu.

Then why the fuck are you always smiling?

[He balls his hands into fists and squares his shoulders in some vague attempt to seem intimidating. He knows he's not, but he actually wants this answer.]

You spend so much of your time smiling and pretending everything's fine. Why, if you were unhappy enough to kill yourself?

Because.. I..—
_{[ A pause, as if he is really thinking about if he wants to actually get these words out. ]}

I... wanted you all to think I could be a strong, dependable brother you could rely on.
I wanted to be liked.. adored even. I wanted to change who I was.. so maybe I could be liked..
Liked by you, by everyone else.. and liked by myself.

I didn't want to show how weak I really am, but in the long run, I ended up raising the white flag. It was too exhausting.. I accepted my failure.

[He exhales slowly, and goes still staring, forgetting to inhale again. It's like someone has glued his feet down so he can't move, and has set a slow stream of ice cold water to pour over him from head to toe.]

[When his lungs start to burn from his refusal to breathe in again, he takes a sharp lungful of air and throws himself at Karamatsu, punching him in the jaw again.]

Fuck you! "Too exhausting"? Pretending is too fucking exhausting??

_{[ Now that they are talking, Karamatsu doesn't expect Ichimatsu to lose his temper again and strike him once more, so he's nothing but shocked when that second fist comes flying.
Maybe he's reached a breaking point, or maybe he's trying to be "true" to Ichimatsu right now since they're on the subject, but he does precisely what he said, finally, and raises the white flag. If Ichimatsu wanted to see his real colors, here it is.

Hot tears instantly flood over his eyes and spill over onto his cheeks, rolling down to meet his jawline as he releases a rather noisy sob, one that's broken through the barrier he put up to impress others for years. His voice cracks and tremors as he can hardly speak. When he finally does, it's loud. ]}

Being ignored was too fucking exhausting..!! Watching you all love each other and hate me was too exhausting..! Feeling alone, that was exhausting! Never getting encouragement from anyone was what was too exhausting..! Disliking who I was— not knowing who I was— that was too exhausting! I wanted to go away permanently but instead I'm here! Nothing has changed! I haven't changed— I can't change! I made a mistake, but I thought it wouldn't even matter!

_{[ He can't handle it anymore, so he just stands there and wails, not worrying about how weak he might seem in front of Ichimatsu, delicate hands lifting to scrub away some of his tears. ]}

Edited 2016-08-31 14:03 (UTC)

[It startles him for a split second, the way his response is just immediate like that. It's like punching him flipped a switch, and he crumbled. But Ichimatsu doesn't flinch away, despite his brother's wailing being a touch too loud for him to be comfortable. This was the response he was trying to get, after all. He wanted Karamatsu to be honest, because if he kept pretending and kept shrugging off the hurt it would never get better.]

[It was... strange, really, because he realized in his own way he was caring about Karamatsu to do this. It was an awful way to care for someone, for literally force them to break down about their problems, but it was really the only way he knew how to convince Karamatsu to let it out. He couldn't coddle, even if he was coddled damn-near every day of his life. He had the ability to be nicer, that much was obvious with how he treated all the strays he fed, but... He'd never quite figured out how to be that way with his brothers. He was just hateful and caustic and wretched.]

[And here was the result of it, in his second-oldest brother, sobbing his heart out right in front of him.]

[He drew in a sharp breath and reached out, taking Karamatsu's hands by the wrists and slowly working his thumbs into his palms, pulling his hands away from his eyes in a surprisingly gentle gesture.]

Then why didn't you ever say that?

_{[ It's disgusting. Gross. It's so weak to let it all out and Karamatsu can feel his cheeks burning from anger and disappointment in himself— he feels his stomach flip flop from regret filling up in it. He doesn't try to resist Ichimatsu when he pulls his hands from his face, choking on his own gasps, eyes squeezed so shut from being ashamed to show such a revolting display. Karamatsu doesn't want to look at Ichimatsu. He doesn't want to see anything that looks like himself right now, which is usually opposite for him since he's a particularly vain creature.

As tears trickle out of his eyes and he can see a distorted picture of his brother, his eyes close again, refusing to open them. He hiccups, only once, from not breathing enough and in a small voice, he replies: ]}

—You all never came to rescue me when I was in physical trouble— why would you come and save me when I'm in emotional trouble?

There's an immeasurably huge difference between you being kidnapped by Chibita and you wanting to kill yourself, shithead.

[He huffs, hating that this conversation is happening at all, but hating more, he thinks, that he spent so much time being hateful. Hindsight is 20/20, don't they say? He rubs his thumbs in Karamatsu's palms idly, unable to be completely still. He's still not close to Karamatsu, and isn't sure he really wants to be-- he likes his space and his distance, and he's pretty sure Karamatsu would completely disregard that.]

...I was only ever kidding about wanting to die about half the time, you know. I know what that's like. I'm not saying I'm approachable or ever was, but.

[Grunt.]

I. Wish it had been different.

[Whether he means that he wishes he had been approachable, or that Karamatsu hadn't killed himself, or... any number of other things, is hard to say.]

_{[ The comforting thumbs rubbing into his palms calms him down enough to where he can actually listen to Ichimatsu's words. Warm snot begins to run out of his nostril, but he can finally look at Ichimatsu and not feel as terrible as he would have felt a few seconds ago.
There's a slight whimper that whines in his throat. ]}

My brother.. I wish I was different.. so I could have been there to help you.
_{[ He doesn't know how Ichimatsu died, thank God, but he only assumes it was something terrible with how.. terrible Ichimatsu is to himself all of the time. ]}

You're right. I'm completely selfish..
_{[ He just really wants to disappear after all of this, truly. ]}

.. Would you have even helped me before this happened..?

[He shakes their hands, gently, and then brings Karamatsu's together to absently butt his knuckles together.]

Shut up, that's not the point. I had my own ways of dealing with things, you know I don't do well being put on the spot. [He'd have probably shit on you. Literally.]

[He frowns at their hands and fidgets with them, shifting his weight from foot to foot for a long time, and then shrugs.]

...I don't know. I'm not a good person, I'd have probably just ignored you. But I want to think that maybe if there'd been obvious signs of intent I may have at least been slightly less shitty.

_{[ Karamatsu stands there for a moment, watching Ichimatsu hold his hands and try to comfort him, which is weird, and honestly, it's not very comforting at all. Without much warning, he jerks his hands out of Ichimatsu's hold. ]}

You're trying to say it's my fault.
_{[ I mean, that's entirely true considering he was the one to pull the trigger, but it's not something he needs to hear right now. He huffs his signature chuckle, but it sounds more irritated than anything. ]}

I can't get any encouragement from any of you, can I? Just this.
_{[ Karamatsu says, gesturing where his face was hit. ]}

[He makes a startled half-sound in the back of his throat at that, and can't meet his eyes for a while. Some strange collection of expressions wash over his face, from confused to frustrated to just the barest hints of melancholy, and finally he just closes his eyes and shakes his head, forcing a half-chuckle of his own.]

[The half-quirk to one corner of his mouth doesn't look like a smile at all, more like a grimace. Of course he couldn't give encouragement. He doesn't know how. That's why he's coddled, why the others are always providing him with it. Maybe that's the problem-- he saps all their niceness out, so nobody has any left for Karamatsu. Because he's the one that's coddled and broken, and still mean and nasty and bitter with it. His stomach twists and the attempt at a smile quirking one corner of his mouth sours, like it hurts to maintain, as he brings his eyes up to look at Karamatsu.]

...You have no reason to believe I'm trying at all, so. Not from me, all you can get from me is insults and punches thrown.

[He drops his gaze again.]

...I'm just making this worse. [Like always.]

_{[ What Ichimatsu is saying is true. It is. All of the hurtful words he's said to him through their entire lives, and yet, he's treated just like some little shitty baby, loved and adored, smothered in affection and care because everybody worries about him. Everybody is worried for his well being— Karamatsu knew if it was Ichimatsu on the rooftop that everybody would have come looking for him; everybody would have wondered where poor Ichimatsu went.
Karamatsu was so jealous. He wanted that kind of attention and care more than anything and here this hateful brother couldn't show an ounce of gratitude. It took some mind reading cat to actually hint at the idea that Ichimatsu didn't need anything else.. because he had everything. He had everything just right here with his family because they all gave it to him so easily.

He. Had. Everything.
Karamatsu felt like he had nothing.

He doesn't know how Ichimatsu got to Hell, but he knew: Ichimatsu didn't commit suicide. Why didn't he commit suicide? Because somebody would have been there for him.

Unlike Karamatsu.

Ichimatsu is weak and fragile, just like Karamatsu is beneath that mask he so cleverly wears— the same old mask that he has had to repair plenty of times, fearing that once again, people won't like who he is. He wants to be who people love— he wants to somehow have what Ichimatsu has. Karamatsu isn't sure what causes his emotion to twist so suddenly, but it was probably the whole dark atmosphere— being in Hell, side by the side with somebody who— in the long run— meant very well but treated you poorly when you were living. Not all of the time, but.. Ichimatsu was a contributing cause for Karamatsu's decision along with his other selfish thoughts.

Karamatsu finally reaches out and grabs Ichimatsu by the collar, rage finally surfacing on his face after hiding it for so long.
My God, it felt so good.. which was terrifying. It felt so good to grit his teeth and curve his hand into a tight fist and pull his arm back, the rounds of his knuckles aimed at the same area that Ichimatsu hit him— ]}

Brother—

Edited 2016-09-13 03:37 (UTC)

_{[ He can't do it. He can't. Even with his face throbbing in pain from Ichimatsu's hits, he can't do it. He can't hit his younger brother. Not after all they've shared together.

Side by side in living and side by side here, in death, with so much that Karamatsu wants to say and so much that Karamatsu regrets. He knows Ichimatsu will make fun of him for not punching him but..

He can't. Not when he had promised himself to protect those who are weak, those who need help.

But it tore him to pieces. All of this, it was tearing him to pieces.

Karamatsu's posture relaxes as he lets out a shaking breath through his teeth, frightened of his own reaction. He counts to three in his mind and closes his eyes, feeling them wet with his tears that he previously shed. ]}

... You need to be more thankful for what you have. Others are not so fortunate as you are.

Edited 2016-09-13 03:42 (UTC)

[He was quiet-- but then again he'd always been quiet. Maybe quieter was more appropriate. He didn't really react to Karamatsu stepping closer, reaching out and grasping the collar of his shirt in an angry fistful. He picks up his head as an afterthought, watching the frustration and the hurt of years of mistreatment boil in his brother's eyes and turn to rage, watching his hand curl into a neat fist and wind back.]

[Ah, he was going to hit him.]

[His eyes drop closed and he goes mostly limp in Karamatsu's grasp, waiting to be knocked off his feet by a hatred-fueled right hook--]

[But instead, all that happens is a relax in the older's posture and a shaking sigh. Ichimatsu locks his knees to keep from toppling over from the shift. His eyes open, and he stares vacantly at some point on the ground just behind Karamatsu and to his left. His mouth works silently for a moment, repeating-- others are not so fortunate.]

[The change in him is abrupt, almost violent, and his entire upper half shakes with a dry, humorless laugh. He takes a small step backward, eyes still angled to the ground, and curls his arms around his middle.]

"Fortunate". [He immediately segues into a different topic, like the first word wasn't meant to be spoken.] Why didn't you hit me? You could have finally given back a tiny, tiny bit of all the shit I've given you all this time. You could have beaten me down and watched me fall, instead of helping me up like you insist on doing anyway.

[His arms curl tighter around his middle, and he hunches forward, looking up finally. His face is blotched red around his cheeks and eyes, and his eyes themselves have glassed over only just enough to be noticed.]

"Fortunate", am I? When all this time I've wanted to do what you did? I don't even have the ballsack to do that much, though-- I'm a spineless, worthless sack of hateful garbage that can't even die right, and you think I'm fortunate?

[He laughs another short bark of a sound, shaking his head and taking another step backward. ]

Don't envy me, Karamatsu. I get it, now-- you wanted the attention I've gotten all this time, and if I'd known I'd have only held it away from you to spite you. It's the only way I know how to act-- spiteful. Hateful.

[He doesn't seem to realize that now he's started crying, only vaguely registering that his vision was blurred as he tries his damnedest to glare up at Karamatsu.]

It'd serve me right, for you all to get wise and throw it back in my face. So why won't you?

_{[ This was the exact response that he was expecting from Ichimatsu. A long, big monologue about self hatred— how he deserved it. He does deserve it. Ichimatsu does deserve it..
Karamatsu isn't the one to do it, though.. and that's because: ]}

.. Because I'm spineless, worthless and a sack of selfish garbage that can't even live right. That's why I won't.

_{[ It clicks— how much they are alike— how afraid he is. Afraid of standing up for himself; afraid of what others might think.
Karamatsu can't bring himself to look at Ichimatsu when he's his younger brother who is crying— but maybe that's because he's beginning to cry too.

So he simply turns, feeling defeated.
Like always. ]}

[He laughs again, sour and humorless, smearing the heels of his hands over his eyes.]

Well we're dead now, [He mutters, sinking and sitting on his knees.] We're dead and we can't take it back. I can't undo being awful, but I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to kill yourself. [It should have been him. Karamatsu at least could have taken care of their remaining siblings.]

[He still wishes he'd hit him.]

_{[ ... I'm sorry, he says.
Karamatsu stops in his tracks, keeping his back completely facing Ichimatsu. He doesn't want to talk right at this very moment, but.. ]}

You can't undo it but.. maybe you can change it. Maybe I'll try to change myself too.
_{[ Even though he knows he probably can't.
Karamatsu starts walking, idly lifting his hand to the soreness on his face. ]}

You're.. _{[ don't say it, don't forgive him ]} ... not forgiven.
_{[ no niceness here, no comforting him here.. maybe that's a good first place for Karamatsu to start— to not forgive people so easily. ]}

[ LITTLE HADES ] ✖ IC contact

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