glitterpants | [ RIVERVIEW ] ✖ IC contact

_{[ Well, yeah. Karamatsu can agree that it sucks when friendships don't work out, or they leave, and you're sad, but..
Like always in regards to stuff like this, he does try to think positively when it comes to having friends. After all, loneliness is one thing he is terrified of. ]}

Not all friendships end up this way.. some can be very successful, and that is why you need to branch out and make more friends! If he left you important things, he must have cared a lot for you too.

It is okay to be sad about it.. like I said.
_{[ what a hypocrite... Karamatsu also hates feeling sad. ]}

Edited 2018-04-11 04:35 (UTC)

[He curls in further on himself, reaching up and tugging the beanie on the back of his head down so it covers his eyes and his ears. He mumbles, moreso than usual, as he does so.]

It's not worth it. I'm not worth it.

[This appears to be a losing battle, Karamatsu.]

_{[ It's always a losing battle, isn't it? Karamatsu feels like he's had this conversation multiple times— he still doesn't know the underlying issue at hand as to what precisely make Ichimatsu have such a low self-esteem. He figures it might be a similar reason that he feels that way, but he doesn't know what causes it suddenly like this. ]}

Says who? I think you are plenty worth it.

[He makes a frustrated little sound, and finally gives up to just turn inward to Karamatsu and press his face into his side.]

You, of all people, shouldn't think that, it's not healthy to think highly of people who abuse you.

W-Well..
_{[ He cradles Ichimatsu by the back of his head. ]}

We're brothers, so I cannot help but feel that way— to think you are worth it. Maybe... I understand how you feel, and being told that I am also worth it is what I'd like to hear so that is why I say it..
_{[ oops too honest.. ]}

[He curls his hands into Karamatsu’s shirt and chokes for a minute, and when he sits up to glare ineffectually at him his face and his eyes are red from the effort to not cry like the huge baby he really is. He shakes Karamatsu a little, gently, not keeping eye contact longer than maybe a few seconds.]

You are. I hate saying this, because I’ve always boasted this stupid obsession with “at least I’m better than Shittymatsu”, but I’ve never once been better than you. You’re actually likeable and you’re still sitting here looking after my wretched ass, drunk and sad about wasting a chance I probably never had in the first place.

[He looks back up, cracks something like a smile that really looks more like a grimace, and lets a thin track of tears make its way down his face.]

But, you know what? You’ve never once let me down. I’ve been such a piece of shit and you’re always there anyway. I’m so jealous of your kindness it makes me even sicker of myself than I already am.

Edited (how many times can i edit this) 2018-04-13 11:29 (UTC)

Ichimatsu..

_{[ Alcohol seems to bring out the honesty in them both, it seems. Karamatsu a bit taken a-back by Ichimatsu's tears-- the words he is saying. He never really suspected any of this out of Ichimatsu, he just thought he completely hated him for some godforsaken reason and maybe there was a little bit of care Ichimatsu had for Karamatsu that he rarely showed. It's true, Karamatsu cared for Ichimatsu, but maybe his over exuberant acts of kindness were some way of making himself look better.

Maybe he ought to be honest too. ]}

A-ah, well.. you shouldn't be sick of yourself. I suppose you could try being nicer to people.. and I suppose _{[ here we go ]} I could be more genuine with people. If I'm here with you, maybe next time I'm really sad, you can be there for me.

That's all I ever really want.. really..

[And that, right there, is a lot of why Ichimatsu doesn't really like drinking. He's a lightweight, which while not drinking often certainly won't help that is also a factor, but mostly he hates how honest and friendly he becomes when he's drunk, because he always does or says something stupid, or both. This, at least, was mostly intentional-- He really had been meaning to have some kind of heart-to-heart with Karamatsu for... a while, now, but words were hard and feelings were harder, especially when it came to telling your obnoxious older brother that you actually appreciated him when you had acted like you hated him for at least a decade if not your entire lives.]

[He chokes off again, recoiling from Karamatsu and finding himself in something of a cycle-- he'd try to breathe to regulate himself and calm down, hitch, and then immediately choke off a short sob of a sound, only to try and take another breath to calm down and repeat the process. Basically he's a Crying Drunk, right now, and he hates it, thanks. He smudges his hands over his eyes and nods, because he doesn't even want to try talking, right now, but he should at least acknowledge Karamatsu talking.]

[Maybe next time he's really sad, he can be there for him. The thought terrifies him and makes his stomach toss itself in anxious nausea, but it's how it should be. Family should be there for one another. And Karamatsu was always there. Maybe, just maybe... If he could afford him just a fraction of the kindness he was always shown, he'd find a way to be less wretched and hate himself a little less along the way.]

[But for now he's gonna sit here and cry. Don't mind him.]

_{[ He's not sure what just happened, but Ichimatsu has completely lost control. They're both pretty tipsy right now and Karamatsu would be lying if he said he didn't feel like crying either. They're both going through a lot right now, but Karamatsu would say that seeing Ichimatsu show this much emotion is really taking a toll on him. He isn't sure how much longer he can bare it-- his eyes even gloss over at the very sight and sound of his little brother having a completely drunk melt down.

Karamatsu reaches over again and strokes Ichimatsu repeatedly on the back. Karamatsu thinks he'll miss Reaper too. After all, Reaper did rescue him from Ira. ]}

.. You still have us, my brother. I do not think me or Osomatsu-niisan are going anywhere anytime soon. But it's normal to feel sad when people abandon you.
_{[ a-yup, he knows that feeling.. ]}

[RIP. He shifts and curls his knees back to himself, burrowing into them and reaching out to find one of Karamatsu's hands. He tangles their fingers, hiding from him but keeping contact, and slowly calms himself down. It seems like becoming so small like that, hiding away, helps him figure out how to even back out, and even if he's a gross snotty mess of residual tears, after a while he picks his head up and gives Karamatsu a watery frown.]

...sorry, this is why I don't drink.

_{[ He's legitimately surprised that Ichimatsu takes the time to grab a hold of his hand and mesh their fingers together. It might be an over intimate gesture towards other people, but the magnitude all six of them had for each other, through their bickering and strife, really outdid anyone.

He gives Ichimatsu's hand a squeeze once he is over it. ]}

Ah, forgive me but.. I think that maybe this is something that we needed to talk about! I don't think you would really talk about it otherwise, right?

[He can't handle hugs right now but he wants contact. Thus, hand-hug. This whole situation is A Lot, probably for both of them, but he's decided it's happening and he's a surprisingly tenacious person when he settles on something. He uses his other hand to smudge across his face, sniffing grossly and making a face, but eventually shrugging his shoulders to Karamatsu's question.]

Mmn.

[He tugs on their fingers.]

...Osomatsu's bothered you're out on the couch, too, you know. [Diverting the topic away from himself.]

_{[ Karamatsu is totally okay with hand hugs. He'll be patient. ]}

Oh? He's noticed I'm missing?
_{[ Don't be dumb. ]}

I suppose.. I should remedy that with a great come back, shouldn't I?

If I'm coming to you wanting you to come back to sleeping normally, you know Idiot McNii is worried, don't be an asshole.

[His tone is somewhere between joking and tired.]

I don't know if I want to know what your great comeback to sharing a bed with your brothers is going to be.

Mm.. probably not anything too great. Ahh, I know, surprising, isn't it?
Maybe some crying.
_{[ alcohol makes him honest in a time like this?? apparently so.. ]}

I guess.. sorry for making people worry.
_{[ For some reason, he didn't think it would be a big deal if he had a weird tantrum over his own personal problems. ]}

[He frowns and scoots forward, bumping their shoulders together.]

...don't apologize, we're all fucking dysfunctional.

_{[ He bumps his shoulder back in response. He smiles weakly. ]}
At least.. we can be dysfunctional together.

[Why does that make him want to cry all over again, fuck. His face pinches and he leans against him, dropping his head onto his shoulder.]

...yeah.

_{[ Karamatsu feels that weight sag onto his shoulder and he exhales carefully, relieved. Why was he relieved? Maybe he was relieved that Ichimatsu didn't completely hate him-- maybe he was relieved that he agreed to be together with him no matter how dysfunctional they were. It was kind of a little of both.

He supports him, eyelids growing heavy. ]}

...Believe it or not, even with our imperfections, I would not have it any other way.
_{[ oh, there's a little weak smile.. ]}

[He's tired. He's tired, and maybe so is Karamatsu, so maybe it's okay if he just... scoots closer, and turns into him to burrow against his side, curling and looping one arm through his brother's. He's just tired, this isn't really affection. It's not like he feels safe curled up to him like this, or anything. It's not like he always has.]

...'f course not. 'm tired, Karamatsu... [Ah yes, there he goes, being a whiny needy thing when he's drunk. Ichimatsu please act your age. Or maybe don't, maybe Karamatsu likes babying you. ~~Not likely.~~]

Mm.. yeah, I suppose I am too. What say you to doing to bed? Ah, I'll sleep where I am supposed to this time.. which is next to you if that is alright.

_{[ Man.. ]}

Um.. I'm sorry that I abandoned you with my own selfish feelings. I guess sometimes I'm just weak and need to do things on my own.

[He chuffs a quiet laugh, punching his side with all the force of an overcooked spaghetti noodle.]

Of course it's all right, you fucking moron. It's weird enough for there to only be three of us, sharing a huge bed like that with just Osomatsu has been... [He shakes his head. Lonely, is the word he's thinking of, but he won't say it.]

's whatever. I do that all the time, you're allowed space when you need it.

_{[ He brightens with drunken grandeur, entirely too happy about Ichimatsu's response. ]}

Oh.. I'm so thankful! I would have felt like a failure if you thought that I abandoned you.
_{[ He takes his time, struggling to stand to his feet. It's a success, but he's a little wobbly. ]}

Come on, my brother. Let's not focus too hard on how we're both big fuck ups, heh.

[He rolls his eyes, but with the way he closes his eyes almost entirely as he does it it mostly just looks like he blinked really slowly. Despite Karamatsu's wobbling, Ichimatsu reaches up and curls his hands around the knees of his pants and uses him as a support to stand, himself, hunched but overall relatively comfortable in stance.]

Who's focusing on being a fuckup?

_{[ He'll always be happy to support and help Ichimatsu in whatever ways he needs. Whether it be emotional support for physical support, he'll try his best to be there. Even if Ichimatsu gives him a hard time-- all the time-- he thinks it worth it when he has these small moments to spend with Ichimatsu and they actually bond. This happened so much on the Eluvio, too. It makes him wonder if none of this ever happened if they would have even bothered making an effort to be close.

Karamatsu steadies his hand on Ichimatsu's back, but eventually, he slides his arm around his shoulders so he can use Ichimatsu for support as well. ]}

Well.. maybe I'm focusing on it a little bit too much, eh? It's kind of a downer.. but I secretly think about it a lot, even when I say I'm being positive.

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omg thank u for finishing this thread w me

honestly thank YOU they have needed this development for so long