glitterpants | [ LITTLE HADES ] ✖ IC contact

if nothing else at least your ability to bullshit remains legendary post-mortum

_{[ if only he could see Karamatsu right now, he would see his positive mask fall off his face instantly, a much angrier and exasperating look taking over. ]}

And?
_{[ just like that. ]}

and, you killed yourself. people don't just decide to do that shit for dramatic effect. unless you're actually empty-headed enough to have intentionally left behind the brothers you claim to love so much for dramatic flair.

It's none of your business, Ichimatsu.
It's not something any of us can undo anyway.
_{[ in fact, it's not like any of you even really missed him anyway, is what he almost says, but alas. ]}

ooh, touchy.

[There's a long pause, and it seems like he might drop the subject, but then... Maybe about ten or fifteen minutes later, another text message arrives.]

but, okay, pretend i give a shit for five seconds.
were you really that bothered?

I don't want to *pretend* that you, or anybody gave a shit.
I did enough of that when i was alive.

So drop it.

[Well, for a while it looks like he did just that, and dropped it, going silent.]

[Except he did anything but. He was pissed-- What kind of melodramatic bullshit reason to kill yourself was "I don't want to pretend that anybody gave a shit"? God, Shittymatsu, you make him so angry. Even moreso because there's this weird underlying layer of nauseous concern in his stomach that he just can't shake. He refused to find himself personally responsible, but now there was absolutely no doubt he'd been a contributing factor. And in the end he was more bothered by the fact that due to it Karamatsu had left the others without both of their oldest brothers. He'd contributed to that. Because Karamatsu couldn't speak up and say he wasn't okay.]

[Gee, who did that sound like?]

[He wastes absolutely no time once he finds Karamatsu, storming right on over to him and punching him squarely in the jaw. Ichimatsu is a weak-ass motherfucker so it probably doesn't really hurt, but he did kind of throw his entire body weight into that with momentum, so maybe it did.]

You're a damn fucking idiot, you know that?

_{[ Did he honestly need to speak up to say he wasn't okay? Didn't you guys realize you treated him like shit? Isn't it odd that he acted so peppy and energetic all of the time? He's weak— he knows it, everyone knows it, but he doesn't want to believe it. Somehow, pretending like he wasn't weak made it seem like a reality— something his delirious mind could sink into until it felt like real life: being somebody else he wasn't. All he ever really wanted was approval and acceptance— for somebody to actually take him seriously. For some awful reason, he had believed such a big lie that nobody cared because they never responded well to his niceness— how else was he supposed get himself to be loved if even his generous actions went ignored? How is it, say, Ichimatsu could act so childish and get whatever he wanted that way? Love, care, attention— and yet— this stupid brat still acted like he hated himself and everything else and just was negative about everything. Karamatsu couldn't help it, though. As his brother, he loved him, even if he was jealous of him. He loved him and everybody else loved him too— unlike Karamatsu.

In any case, what Ichimatsu doesn't know is the fact he feels very guilty and very terrible for what he did. Nothing but regret. This isn't what he wanted in the afterlife, and this isn't what he wanted to happen on Earth— for more of his siblings to die. He felt such a copious amount of regret he didn't even know how to convey it properly other than self-hatred that he masked so perfectly under a charming smile and bright, confident eyes. It happened almost instantly when he was escorted to Hell but refused to show anybody how awful he felt for taking the coward's way out— for being and revealing how much of a weakling he actually is when he just wanted to be the strong, cool, dependable brother that they could go to whenever they need to. So much for that.

And now, Choromatsu had voiced how he felt. Choromatsu had voiced how alone he felt and how mean both Karamatsu and Osomatsu were for dying around the same time and leaving the rest of them behind. He thinks now if he hadn't been so selfish and stupid, maybe, just maybe, he could have done something to help the rest of his brothers along— the ones that Osomatsu left behind after he passed.

That's why when he sees Ichimatsu coming towards him as he resides on the street near his hotel, he doesn't lift his fists to defend himself. He doesn't brace his legs or even grimace. He knows what is about to happen and by the time Ichimatsu's fist is inches from his face....

...he knows he deserves it.

His teeth clank together as he feels his brother's knuckles smash into his mouth and he feels part of his tongue being bitten, the salty taste of blood spilling from behind his teeth. The sensation of burning and swelling pours over his face and one of his eyes shuts to try and ease the pain, but otherwise he looks at Ichimatsu in silence.

Until: ]}

—I know I am.

Edited 2016-08-25 05:12 (UTC)

[He shouldn't have had to, no. It wasn't right, and Ichimatsu knew it wasn't, somewhere in his depraved little soul. But the consistency with which Karamatsu took a beating and stood right back up, smiling and pretending he was fine, it became routine. Ichimatsu had never learned who he was well enough to have a ground to stand on when it came to being insulted, so he did it for himself. He hated himself more than anyone else ever could, because then it could never hurt. He pushed everyone away, he spat on their kindness, all the while never figuring out how to say that all he ever wanted was to be accepted. He was gross, and he was anxious, and he was mean, unnecessarily so, and especially to the one brother he probably could have easily gotten disgustingly coddled and spoiled by.]

[But maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe the fact that Karamatsu was so willing and forthcoming with praise and affection was what made Ichimatsu push it away so violently. It felt fake, just like the fucking rest of him. Karamatsu was probably the only one of them with any shred of genuine kindness to him, save for Jyushimatsu who was regularly too strange to decipher, and yet he spent so much time drawing on designer eyebrows and wearing fancy pants and trying to be someone he wasn't that Ichimatsu never took the time to notice their frustration in his act was actually hurting him. Maybe he did notice. Maybe he just didn't care. Didn't want to care. Why should he? If he could take endless verbal beatings from them, sometimes physical from himself, and still have the will to pretend it was okay, why should he? Karamatsu's confidence and tenacity were things Ichimatsu wanted so desperately for himself he could taste them like sour bile in the back of his throat.]

[And really, it's probably the ease with which his punch knocks him down that snaps what little grasp on sanity the fourth born had at this point.]

[He watches him drop, momentarily startled, and then realizes it's because Karamatsu didn't fight back. He didn't even resist, he just let Ichimatsu's fist hit him, and went over like a sack of useless fucking potatoes. Soggy ones that were molded and gross, that you couldn't even peel and eat. It sets his insides absolutely on fire, and he reaches out as Karamatsu speaks to grab him by the collar of his shirt, pulling him up by it. The best he probably got was dragging him to his knees, but if it brought him closer so his yelling had more impact, that was fine.]

You know you are? Do you? I don't think you fucking do at all, Shittymatsu!

[He pushes his weight back into him, throwing him down.]

Because if you fucking knew, if you understood how stupid you are, when you act like that, you'd have stopped before it started! You're-- that's all you fucking are!

[He's pacing, now, back and forth in a short track where he throws his hands around and only periodically stops or looks at his brother. He pauses, then, heaving like the tantrum exhausted him, and drops his hands to finally look at him.]

[He's fucking pathetic. Crumpled in an awkward little heap, welt on his face already blooming red and purple, likely to be swollen within an hour. And he knows he's an idiot. With an exasperated huff, Ichimatsu throws his hands in the air one final time, dragging them down his face when they come back down.]

An act. That's all you are. That's all you have been, since-- what, drama? In high school? What the fuck makes you think any of us want our brother to pretend he's someone other than our stupid fucking brother?

_{[ Poor Ichimatsu. He just doesn’t understand how alike they are in this regard, but Karamatsu is a little more knowing of it. Not just because he’s older by a few minutes, but because Ichimatsu is more vocal about his self-loathing feelings— there’s probably plenty of things that Ichimatsu vocally expressed that Karamatsu silently agreed with and reflected it back on himself. Although Karamatsu’s behavior was usually blown out of proportion into an embarrassing, flashy mess, at least Ichimatsu’s feelings regarding himself were honest, just a little scary. He was sick and disgusted that nobody came to his aid when he went missing that one night, but the second Ichimatsu would have gone missing, he knows.. he knows their entire family would be out looking for him. Him, this hateful creature— not Karamatsu who tried to reflect kindness, gentleness, love. Most of the time he was being true, but sometimes his actions were a bit over the top because he craved acceptance and being liked by somebody— anybody— entirely too much.

That’s because behind that bitter exterior, Ichimatsu was sweet and polite— a warm person who was insecure with who he was in this world. Sweet, polite, warm and insecure, all very true parts of both of their personalities. They’re both faking.

Karamatsu doesn’t bother to really blink an eye or cry at Ichimatsu’s hurtful words. He hears it all the time and now, he’s grown enough of a spine to just accept it. If it’s said so many times, it must be true, but specifically in this very moment where he feels like he needs and deserves punishment. If Ichimatsu ever wanted to lash out at him, now would be the precise time where Karamatsu actually thinks he deserves justice— justice for leaving his family for such a selfish reason.

But why? Why was Ichimatsu so angry? Why was Choromatsu so angry with him? Osomatsu knew how Karamatsu went, and yet.. he didn’t even bring it up in their conversations. Was that his way of also being angry about it? Obviously, it’s because they all care, a huge mistake on his part. He realizes he was believing a lie this entire time and his chest swells with regret, warm tears pricking the side of his eyes as he is handled around like, well, a bag of useless potatoes.

He remains seated on his ass after being so rudely plopped down. They’re both depressed, for whatever complicated reason, and it both started around high school. Somebody didn’t like who they both really were, or somebody hurt them both in a terrible way that made them both want to transform and disguise themselves into something else.

Karamatsu, the angry, sad, lonely, insecure person who felt like nobody could ever love somebody who gave off such traits, so he exchanged them for romantic words— too much kindness that he thought deserved approval in return— a flirt, who wanted more than anything to talk his way into a woman’s heart.

Ichimatsu, a sweet, anxious person with low-self esteem. Who could love somebody like that? Why even bother with any of it? Just push them all away, Get nasty, Get mean. Guard his already fragile heart at all costs— people weren’t worth getting damaged again.

Ichimatsu was calling Karamatsu out, so he’s just going to do the same. if Ichimatsu wants a genuine response, so be it. He wasn’t there when ESP Kitty did it. No, he was too busy tending to the wounds his very brothers put upon him.
So here it goes: ]}

You’re really a hypocrite, my dear brother. You think in all of the years that I’ve sat next to you, slept next to you, carried you in my arms.. I haven’t seen that kind spirit you have..? Hit me again, if you must, because I deserve this.

Though, don't forget one thing.
You’re pretending too, Ichimatsu.

Edited 2016-08-25 14:12 (UTC)

[Why did you have to turn this around on him. He can't talk about himself, he can't. He can't be honest. It's the one thing he has never fucking figured out how to do. It eats away at him, the way Karamatsu pretends when he's just fine on his own. He pretends because he's a gross, ugly, hateful person who is too insecure to hold a proper conversation without eventually trying to anxiously shit on something. Karamatsu just... Does it to receive different attention. More attention. Attention at all, Ichimatsu realizes.]

[Attention, which Ichimatsu doesn't ask for and yet always receives. And thrives off of. He couldn't give it up if he wanted to, he'd drown in his own head without someone to pull him out of it. He's pathetic. So he pretends to be less so, because he can't stand being so weak and incapable.]

[His stomach turns, and he wants more than anything to walk away from this conversation and possibly choke himself on his own fingers until he spills the contents of his vile stomach onto his shoes, because even that wouldn't make him as obviously gross as he really is. As he feels. But he can't, because he walked into this, and Karamatsu is trying to rile him. Karamatsu wants him to continue this. It's like a dare, and as much as he'd love to tuck his tail between his legs and retreat, he can't turn away from a challenge from one of his brothers. He can't seem that weak.]

I'm pretending?

[He spits the question, his voice cracking with overuse and strain.]

At least I don't have any misconceptions about what I am. I'm garbage, Karamatsu, we all are. "Kind spirit" my ass. I've shit on you for years upon years, and I bet you don't even have the slightest of an idea as to why.

[No, fuck, wait. This wasn't where he wanted this to go.]

_{[ He doesn't. He doesn't have a clue. Somewhere in his head, he thinks, because you're jealous, but then he doesn't even know what Ichimatsu would be jealous about. There's nothing to be jealous about— he pretends there is because there really isn't anything.
He rubs his hand against the swelling on his cheek. Ichimatsu is so right. He doesn't know who he is anymore, too scared to show his real feelings and trying so hard to be something else. ]}

—Then tell me why.
Because through all of the bad, I've seen all of the good in you too.
_{[ HE SAYS THIS AFTER YOU JUST PUNCHED HIM. ]}

Edited 2016-08-26 14:06 (UTC)

Shut up!!

[He lunges forward and takes him by the collar again, shaking him for a moment but never quite getting to the point that he hits him again. He seethes, dragging him up and glaring, lips pulled back from his recently-fanged teeth in a snarl that looks borderline animalistic.]

You don't know shit! You haven't seen anything!! I hate you-- Just-- Stop being such a fucking good person! It makes me sick!

_{[ Ichimatsu very rarely shown signs of acting tough. He kept a lot of thoughts and feelings hidden, but very rarely did he initiate such violent behavior towards his family. It was usually empty threats and big talk, but to feel Ichimatsu actually punch him, well. As odd as it sounded, it felt satisfying. Karamatsu he felt like he deserved this, and just by being hit and yelled at, he felt some guilt leave his shoulders for what he had done that brought him here.

Anyway, Ichimatsu is finally admitting that he's a good person, and that's.. exactly the kind of recognition he wants. He has to ask.. to make sure he heard correctly. ]}

W—What did you say..?
_{[ other than the I hate you part which he chose to ignore entirely. He knows you hate him— you don't have to vocalize it. ]}

You. Make. Me. Sick!! You're so fucking--

[He drops him and shoves him at the same time, whirling away and pacing. He curls and uncurls his hands into fists as he paces, inhaling and holding his breath and then exhaling like he can't figure out how to react. He's trying to calm down so he doesn't just beat the shit out of his brother for no real reason, but he keeps circling right back around to being afraid of not being an asshole.]

[Because, you know. Not being an asshole is something to be afraid of. Being Ichimatsu is hard.]

[He huffs, finally, the wind going out of his sails, and turns to look at him slowly. He looks... tired, more than he usually does.]

You're a good person. You actually give a shit. And it sucks, because I hate looking at you and seeing that, especially knowing that it was a damn farce because you killed yourself. Happy people don't kill themselves.

_{[ Watching Ichimatsu act this way breaks his heart— it does. He looks so angry and lost and for a moment, Karamatsu thinks he is looking at himself. It doesn't help that they're twins. Sometimes, he wish he could speak his mind like this. It would feel so much better.

He does give a shit about you all but god. He is really bitter about you all as well. ]}

.. just because I'm nice doesn't mean I'm happy, Ichimatsu.

Then why the fuck are you always smiling?

[He balls his hands into fists and squares his shoulders in some vague attempt to seem intimidating. He knows he's not, but he actually wants this answer.]

You spend so much of your time smiling and pretending everything's fine. Why, if you were unhappy enough to kill yourself?

Because.. I..—
_{[ A pause, as if he is really thinking about if he wants to actually get these words out. ]}

I... wanted you all to think I could be a strong, dependable brother you could rely on.
I wanted to be liked.. adored even. I wanted to change who I was.. so maybe I could be liked..
Liked by you, by everyone else.. and liked by myself.

I didn't want to show how weak I really am, but in the long run, I ended up raising the white flag. It was too exhausting.. I accepted my failure.

[He exhales slowly, and goes still staring, forgetting to inhale again. It's like someone has glued his feet down so he can't move, and has set a slow stream of ice cold water to pour over him from head to toe.]

[When his lungs start to burn from his refusal to breathe in again, he takes a sharp lungful of air and throws himself at Karamatsu, punching him in the jaw again.]

Fuck you! "Too exhausting"? Pretending is too fucking exhausting??

_{[ Now that they are talking, Karamatsu doesn't expect Ichimatsu to lose his temper again and strike him once more, so he's nothing but shocked when that second fist comes flying.
Maybe he's reached a breaking point, or maybe he's trying to be "true" to Ichimatsu right now since they're on the subject, but he does precisely what he said, finally, and raises the white flag. If Ichimatsu wanted to see his real colors, here it is.

Hot tears instantly flood over his eyes and spill over onto his cheeks, rolling down to meet his jawline as he releases a rather noisy sob, one that's broken through the barrier he put up to impress others for years. His voice cracks and tremors as he can hardly speak. When he finally does, it's loud. ]}

Being ignored was too fucking exhausting..!! Watching you all love each other and hate me was too exhausting..! Feeling alone, that was exhausting! Never getting encouragement from anyone was what was too exhausting..! Disliking who I was— not knowing who I was— that was too exhausting! I wanted to go away permanently but instead I'm here! Nothing has changed! I haven't changed— I can't change! I made a mistake, but I thought it wouldn't even matter!

_{[ He can't handle it anymore, so he just stands there and wails, not worrying about how weak he might seem in front of Ichimatsu, delicate hands lifting to scrub away some of his tears. ]}

Edited 2016-08-31 14:03 (UTC)

[It startles him for a split second, the way his response is just immediate like that. It's like punching him flipped a switch, and he crumbled. But Ichimatsu doesn't flinch away, despite his brother's wailing being a touch too loud for him to be comfortable. This was the response he was trying to get, after all. He wanted Karamatsu to be honest, because if he kept pretending and kept shrugging off the hurt it would never get better.]

[It was... strange, really, because he realized in his own way he was caring about Karamatsu to do this. It was an awful way to care for someone, for literally force them to break down about their problems, but it was really the only way he knew how to convince Karamatsu to let it out. He couldn't coddle, even if he was coddled damn-near every day of his life. He had the ability to be nicer, that much was obvious with how he treated all the strays he fed, but... He'd never quite figured out how to be that way with his brothers. He was just hateful and caustic and wretched.]

[And here was the result of it, in his second-oldest brother, sobbing his heart out right in front of him.]

[He drew in a sharp breath and reached out, taking Karamatsu's hands by the wrists and slowly working his thumbs into his palms, pulling his hands away from his eyes in a surprisingly gentle gesture.]

Then why didn't you ever say that?

_{[ It's disgusting. Gross. It's so weak to let it all out and Karamatsu can feel his cheeks burning from anger and disappointment in himself— he feels his stomach flip flop from regret filling up in it. He doesn't try to resist Ichimatsu when he pulls his hands from his face, choking on his own gasps, eyes squeezed so shut from being ashamed to show such a revolting display. Karamatsu doesn't want to look at Ichimatsu. He doesn't want to see anything that looks like himself right now, which is usually opposite for him since he's a particularly vain creature.

As tears trickle out of his eyes and he can see a distorted picture of his brother, his eyes close again, refusing to open them. He hiccups, only once, from not breathing enough and in a small voice, he replies: ]}

—You all never came to rescue me when I was in physical trouble— why would you come and save me when I'm in emotional trouble?

There's an immeasurably huge difference between you being kidnapped by Chibita and you wanting to kill yourself, shithead.

[He huffs, hating that this conversation is happening at all, but hating more, he thinks, that he spent so much time being hateful. Hindsight is 20/20, don't they say? He rubs his thumbs in Karamatsu's palms idly, unable to be completely still. He's still not close to Karamatsu, and isn't sure he really wants to be-- he likes his space and his distance, and he's pretty sure Karamatsu would completely disregard that.]

...I was only ever kidding about wanting to die about half the time, you know. I know what that's like. I'm not saying I'm approachable or ever was, but.

[Grunt.]

I. Wish it had been different.

[Whether he means that he wishes he had been approachable, or that Karamatsu hadn't killed himself, or... any number of other things, is hard to say.]

_{[ The comforting thumbs rubbing into his palms calms him down enough to where he can actually listen to Ichimatsu's words. Warm snot begins to run out of his nostril, but he can finally look at Ichimatsu and not feel as terrible as he would have felt a few seconds ago.
There's a slight whimper that whines in his throat. ]}

My brother.. I wish I was different.. so I could have been there to help you.
_{[ He doesn't know how Ichimatsu died, thank God, but he only assumes it was something terrible with how.. terrible Ichimatsu is to himself all of the time. ]}

You're right. I'm completely selfish..
_{[ He just really wants to disappear after all of this, truly. ]}

.. Would you have even helped me before this happened..?

[He shakes their hands, gently, and then brings Karamatsu's together to absently butt his knuckles together.]

Shut up, that's not the point. I had my own ways of dealing with things, you know I don't do well being put on the spot. [He'd have probably shit on you. Literally.]

[He frowns at their hands and fidgets with them, shifting his weight from foot to foot for a long time, and then shrugs.]

...I don't know. I'm not a good person, I'd have probably just ignored you. But I want to think that maybe if there'd been obvious signs of intent I may have at least been slightly less shitty.

[ LITTLE HADES ] ✖ IC contact

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