glitterpants | [ RIVERVIEW ] ✖ IC contact

[He makes an ugly sound that's only somewhat like a laugh, sitting up and removing his hand from the bottom of the mask. He shrugs, his face pulled in an expression that looks a lot like he has a stomachache, but he won't look up at Karamatsu.]

You know, maybe I'm not. I've always been so shitty at making friends, anyway, maybe it just feels like I've had all of my insides carved out because he was the first person outside of family I agreed was my friend.

[He's not... mad, really, but being asked if he's certain he had feelings for someone when it was a lot to admit it in the first place makes him immediately put all his walls back up.]

I don't know, Karamatsu. Are you certain you're in love with Seragaki?

_{[ Love is certainly a strong word. Karamatsu is a firm believer of the word and he might be a little hasty to jump to the conclusion and use the word love for somebody, but if he was brought down to Earth and more realistic, he'd be hesitant to answer.

Karamatsu thinks for a moment and cracks open another beer and takes a good, long chug from it. ]}

The feelings I harbor for Aoba-kun are, in fact, romantic—
_{[ but even love is pushing it a bit. ]}

Though, I suppose, I would die for him.
_{[ oh. well that suddenly escalated...
did it, though? his self worth is pretty low... ]}

[He puts his head back on the table, but turned so he's watching Karamatsu's overblown display. He closes his eyes, shrugging, and sets his hand back over the lower part of Reaper's mask.]

...Gabe was kind of a private guy, he wasn't always around all the time so I didn't think much of it, but... Now his stuff's turned up. So he's gone, and I hate it.

[He looks back over at Karamatsu, pulling the mask off the table and setting it in his lap again.]

...don't go dying for anybody, shit's permanent here. [Is... is that concern.]

I would gladly sacrifice my entire person to protect somebody I love!
_{[ Oh. He just said it. And he looks a little drunk already. Rest in peace. ]}

What about you, ha-haa.. would you die for Reaper?
_{[ don't ask the self destructive one a question like that? ]}

Don't, I said.

[His tone is a little firmer, this time, and he's definitely a little bit drunk, himself, as evidenced by the way he reaches sideways and pushes at Karamatsu, leaving his hand on his upper arm.]

That's funny. You know how he was, I wouldn't have had the chance, anything that could kill him he'd see coming years before I even realized what was happening. And I think he was already dead, technically, anyway.

_{[ Dead anyway? That's.. that kind of spooky. But Karamatsu vaguely remembers Reaper threatening to take his soul, so he really wasn't even certain of Gabriel was human to begin with after all.
But that's Karamatsu. He's gullible as ever. Reaper could have said he was the devil himself and Karamatsu would have believed it.

But was it really a good match? Ichimatsu and the devil himself? Karamatsu doesn't even have to think about it for a moment-- he just nods his head, agreeing with his own unspoken thought. ]}

Ah. No worries then! Your life is valuable to me and valuable to him, I'm certain, so nobody will be dead besides him.
_{[ choose your words better???? ]}

Ha... can't people come back sometimes?

Edited 2018-04-06 14:35 (UTC)

[Why did he decide you were the one he wanted to talk to. He grumbles his way into a sigh and folds against the table, turning away from him again.]

Some combination of this conversation and beer was a mistake.

_{[ What did he say wrong!? He thought he was being real encouraging here! ]}

Oi, don't be like that, Ichimatsu.. there's still a chance. What if he comes back here? What if he comes back for you? I think he cared a good bit for you.
_{[ He shuffles a little closer, folding against the table and partially onto Ichimatsu. ]}

Ichimatsu. I'm so sorry. Ah.. at least you didn't make a mistake like I did and make him really mad at you. Hey, at least you're not me.

[That's just it, Karamatsu-- you are. You're being supportive and exactly what he won't admit he needs, right now, and he's handling it badly. As such, he flinches at his brother's weight leaning into him, but doesn't move away from it, just curling tighter around the mask in his lap and taking slow, measured breaths.]

[Slow, measured breaths which he lets out in an abrupt rush of air that resembles an ugly, ugly laugh, and he draws his knees up toward the underside of the table.]

See-- that's just it. It wouldn't be so bad, I don't think. To be like you-- to be willing to be honest. Maybe then I'd know what the fuck to feel, right now.

[At least if he'd made a mistake, Reaper would still be there to be mad at him. At least if he were mad it'd be something he could fix. At least, he'd not be floundering over this sudden gaping hole in his person, having only just barely realized friendship had taken the place of what had always been a void in his gut.]

_{[ As soon as Ichimatsu laughs, Karamatsu wraps an arm around him, pulling him a little closer to him. He's never really managed to get this far as being supportive towards Ichimatsu except when they were on the Eluvio. ]}

It seems.. appropriate to feel sad about it. I know I do not like showing sadness often but..! Ah, it is okay to show people sadness now and then, my brother! How else are you going to feel better about it if you don't?

_{[ LISTEN TO YOURSELF KARAMATSU. ]}

[And Eluvio, in fact, is precisely why he's gotten so far this time. Both because the time they shared there and the hardships they managed to face together aren't lost on Ichimatsu, and the fact that it means he's the only person, now, with Reaper gone, that remembers them. It's stitched a loose, patched bond the tiniest bit closer together, and Ichimatsu has finally realized that that's a good thing. Did he ever truly hate Karamatsu? No. Was it still fun as shit to give him absolute hell? Yes. But... Maybe, just maybe, he'd do it more carefully, now. He already had been, in a vague and roundabout way.]

[Being drawn closer to Karamatsu, on the other hand, does two things. It makes him flinch-- he's never been great with contact, and especially not when he's upset, but it also forces this uncomfortable bubble of anxious distress into the back of his throat that makes it hard to talk. ...Harder, that is. When he manages, his voice is squashed, like there's a very small space for the sound to pass through.]

I don't want to be sad about it, this is why I don't go to the trouble of making friends.

[He wants, somewhere in his mind and his twisted, sad little belly, to just cry. He wants to give that, to himself and to Karamatsu, to be open and to express emotion like a normal human being, but something stops him.]

_{[ Well, yeah. Karamatsu can agree that it sucks when friendships don't work out, or they leave, and you're sad, but..
Like always in regards to stuff like this, he does try to think positively when it comes to having friends. After all, loneliness is one thing he is terrified of. ]}

Not all friendships end up this way.. some can be very successful, and that is why you need to branch out and make more friends! If he left you important things, he must have cared a lot for you too.

It is okay to be sad about it.. like I said.
_{[ what a hypocrite... Karamatsu also hates feeling sad. ]}

Edited 2018-04-11 04:35 (UTC)

[He curls in further on himself, reaching up and tugging the beanie on the back of his head down so it covers his eyes and his ears. He mumbles, moreso than usual, as he does so.]

It's not worth it. I'm not worth it.

[This appears to be a losing battle, Karamatsu.]

_{[ It's always a losing battle, isn't it? Karamatsu feels like he's had this conversation multiple times— he still doesn't know the underlying issue at hand as to what precisely make Ichimatsu have such a low self-esteem. He figures it might be a similar reason that he feels that way, but he doesn't know what causes it suddenly like this. ]}

Says who? I think you are plenty worth it.

[He makes a frustrated little sound, and finally gives up to just turn inward to Karamatsu and press his face into his side.]

You, of all people, shouldn't think that, it's not healthy to think highly of people who abuse you.

W-Well..
_{[ He cradles Ichimatsu by the back of his head. ]}

We're brothers, so I cannot help but feel that way— to think you are worth it. Maybe... I understand how you feel, and being told that I am also worth it is what I'd like to hear so that is why I say it..
_{[ oops too honest.. ]}

[He curls his hands into Karamatsu’s shirt and chokes for a minute, and when he sits up to glare ineffectually at him his face and his eyes are red from the effort to not cry like the huge baby he really is. He shakes Karamatsu a little, gently, not keeping eye contact longer than maybe a few seconds.]

You are. I hate saying this, because I’ve always boasted this stupid obsession with “at least I’m better than Shittymatsu”, but I’ve never once been better than you. You’re actually likeable and you’re still sitting here looking after my wretched ass, drunk and sad about wasting a chance I probably never had in the first place.

[He looks back up, cracks something like a smile that really looks more like a grimace, and lets a thin track of tears make its way down his face.]

But, you know what? You’ve never once let me down. I’ve been such a piece of shit and you’re always there anyway. I’m so jealous of your kindness it makes me even sicker of myself than I already am.

Edited (how many times can i edit this) 2018-04-13 11:29 (UTC)

Ichimatsu..

_{[ Alcohol seems to bring out the honesty in them both, it seems. Karamatsu a bit taken a-back by Ichimatsu's tears-- the words he is saying. He never really suspected any of this out of Ichimatsu, he just thought he completely hated him for some godforsaken reason and maybe there was a little bit of care Ichimatsu had for Karamatsu that he rarely showed. It's true, Karamatsu cared for Ichimatsu, but maybe his over exuberant acts of kindness were some way of making himself look better.

Maybe he ought to be honest too. ]}

A-ah, well.. you shouldn't be sick of yourself. I suppose you could try being nicer to people.. and I suppose _{[ here we go ]} I could be more genuine with people. If I'm here with you, maybe next time I'm really sad, you can be there for me.

That's all I ever really want.. really..

[And that, right there, is a lot of why Ichimatsu doesn't really like drinking. He's a lightweight, which while not drinking often certainly won't help that is also a factor, but mostly he hates how honest and friendly he becomes when he's drunk, because he always does or says something stupid, or both. This, at least, was mostly intentional-- He really had been meaning to have some kind of heart-to-heart with Karamatsu for... a while, now, but words were hard and feelings were harder, especially when it came to telling your obnoxious older brother that you actually appreciated him when you had acted like you hated him for at least a decade if not your entire lives.]

[He chokes off again, recoiling from Karamatsu and finding himself in something of a cycle-- he'd try to breathe to regulate himself and calm down, hitch, and then immediately choke off a short sob of a sound, only to try and take another breath to calm down and repeat the process. Basically he's a Crying Drunk, right now, and he hates it, thanks. He smudges his hands over his eyes and nods, because he doesn't even want to try talking, right now, but he should at least acknowledge Karamatsu talking.]

[Maybe next time he's really sad, he can be there for him. The thought terrifies him and makes his stomach toss itself in anxious nausea, but it's how it should be. Family should be there for one another. And Karamatsu was always there. Maybe, just maybe... If he could afford him just a fraction of the kindness he was always shown, he'd find a way to be less wretched and hate himself a little less along the way.]

[But for now he's gonna sit here and cry. Don't mind him.]

_{[ He's not sure what just happened, but Ichimatsu has completely lost control. They're both pretty tipsy right now and Karamatsu would be lying if he said he didn't feel like crying either. They're both going through a lot right now, but Karamatsu would say that seeing Ichimatsu show this much emotion is really taking a toll on him. He isn't sure how much longer he can bare it-- his eyes even gloss over at the very sight and sound of his little brother having a completely drunk melt down.

Karamatsu reaches over again and strokes Ichimatsu repeatedly on the back. Karamatsu thinks he'll miss Reaper too. After all, Reaper did rescue him from Ira. ]}

.. You still have us, my brother. I do not think me or Osomatsu-niisan are going anywhere anytime soon. But it's normal to feel sad when people abandon you.
_{[ a-yup, he knows that feeling.. ]}

[RIP. He shifts and curls his knees back to himself, burrowing into them and reaching out to find one of Karamatsu's hands. He tangles their fingers, hiding from him but keeping contact, and slowly calms himself down. It seems like becoming so small like that, hiding away, helps him figure out how to even back out, and even if he's a gross snotty mess of residual tears, after a while he picks his head up and gives Karamatsu a watery frown.]

...sorry, this is why I don't drink.

_{[ He's legitimately surprised that Ichimatsu takes the time to grab a hold of his hand and mesh their fingers together. It might be an over intimate gesture towards other people, but the magnitude all six of them had for each other, through their bickering and strife, really outdid anyone.

He gives Ichimatsu's hand a squeeze once he is over it. ]}

Ah, forgive me but.. I think that maybe this is something that we needed to talk about! I don't think you would really talk about it otherwise, right?

[He can't handle hugs right now but he wants contact. Thus, hand-hug. This whole situation is A Lot, probably for both of them, but he's decided it's happening and he's a surprisingly tenacious person when he settles on something. He uses his other hand to smudge across his face, sniffing grossly and making a face, but eventually shrugging his shoulders to Karamatsu's question.]

Mmn.

[He tugs on their fingers.]

...Osomatsu's bothered you're out on the couch, too, you know. [Diverting the topic away from himself.]

_{[ Karamatsu is totally okay with hand hugs. He'll be patient. ]}

Oh? He's noticed I'm missing?
_{[ Don't be dumb. ]}

I suppose.. I should remedy that with a great come back, shouldn't I?

If I'm coming to you wanting you to come back to sleeping normally, you know Idiot McNii is worried, don't be an asshole.

[His tone is somewhere between joking and tired.]

I don't know if I want to know what your great comeback to sharing a bed with your brothers is going to be.

[ RIVERVIEW ] ✖ IC contact

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

omg thank u for finishing this thread w me

honestly thank YOU they have needed this development for so long