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_{[ ?????
This is news to him because just a few days ago he had overstepped his boundaries-- took a kiss he didn't deserve and made Aoba all upset. Had Noiz left between now and then? That quickly? If so, Aoba probably needs time to recover. Karamatsu is dumb but he knows when people leave it takes awhile to recover. Jyushimatsu and his girl is a perfect example of that. ]}

I.. —
_{[ He doesn't know, but he looks agitated. He slowly takes a good, long drink from his beer as well. He's got an empty can too and instinctively crunches it together without realizing it. Look at them, copying each other's movements. ]}

I don't know, I probably ruined anything like that.

He's still here, though. Don't waste your chance completely.

[His tone is... dull. Duller than usual. It's that thing he does when he's being particularly hard on himself.]

_{[ Karamatsu is really stupid, but he can tell with that wording and tone in Ichimatsu's voice and he tilts his head. Is Ichimatsu saying something here? ]}

... Ichimatsu. Did you miss your chance with someone?
_{[ WOAH, PERCEPTIVE. ]}

[He didn't expect that, not in a million years, and it shows in the way he jolts and turns to give Karamatsu an entirely unguarded expression. He's... startled, but underneath the overall shock that Karamatsu, with the finesse and observational skills of a rock, had figured him out (as though he were being covert), he just looks sad.]

[And it sticks-- the expression stays for a full ten seconds before he forces it into something sardonic, grinning crookedly with one corner of his mouth and averting his gaze with a short shake of his head.]

...nah, honestly I don't think I had a chance in the first place.

_{[ Man, that response cuts harsh. Karamatsu thinks similar things sometimes with people he hopelessly falls for. He thought that about Sombra, and about Dorothy, Eichi, and now Aoba. It hurts because of how quickly he gains feelings for people only to know his inner self, his true thoughts, are gonna tell him he's not good or special enough.

Anyway, he's a little angry that Ichimatsu can just be frank and honest by saying that in such a sincere way. Why did Ichimatsu not care if he looked weak? ]}

.. Anyone I know?

[These two, holy shit. Karamatsu, jealous of Ichimatsu's honesty with being worthless, his hateful nature to himself coming off as not caring about being weak. Ichimatsu, jealous of Karamatsu's visions of grandeur, his constant ability to rise above, or pretend to, and smile all the while.]

[He oozes forward onto the table, reaching under it with one arm to produce Reaper's mask. He hadn't shown either of them he had it-- he'd been wearing the man's beanie pretty frequently, but it wasn't something obviously belonging to another person. He sets the mask down with a soft click, and keeps his head down on the table.]

_{[ Karamatsu doesn't recognize the beanie that Ichimatsu has been wearing, but he does recognize the mask the moment that Ichimatsu sets it on the table. His eyes grow slightly-- they've known Reaper for awhile now, haven't they? Karamatsu had forgotten, but Reaper was the last person other than Ichimatsu to experience the Eluvio.

Somehow, it makes Karamatsu feel a little bit more lonely. ]}

O-oi, you mean to say... you had romantic feelings for--
_{[ Him? Reaper? He kind of knew they were chummy friends and all, but.. ]}

Are you certain of that?
_{[ Reaper wasn't anything like Karamatsu's type, but he supposes he could understand Ichimatsu liking him. ]}

[He makes an ugly sound that's only somewhat like a laugh, sitting up and removing his hand from the bottom of the mask. He shrugs, his face pulled in an expression that looks a lot like he has a stomachache, but he won't look up at Karamatsu.]

You know, maybe I'm not. I've always been so shitty at making friends, anyway, maybe it just feels like I've had all of my insides carved out because he was the first person outside of family I agreed was my friend.

[He's not... mad, really, but being asked if he's certain he had feelings for someone when it was a lot to admit it in the first place makes him immediately put all his walls back up.]

I don't know, Karamatsu. Are you certain you're in love with Seragaki?

_{[ Love is certainly a strong word. Karamatsu is a firm believer of the word and he might be a little hasty to jump to the conclusion and use the word love for somebody, but if he was brought down to Earth and more realistic, he'd be hesitant to answer.

Karamatsu thinks for a moment and cracks open another beer and takes a good, long chug from it. ]}

The feelings I harbor for Aoba-kun are, in fact, romantic—
_{[ but even love is pushing it a bit. ]}

Though, I suppose, I would die for him.
_{[ oh. well that suddenly escalated...
did it, though? his self worth is pretty low... ]}

[He puts his head back on the table, but turned so he's watching Karamatsu's overblown display. He closes his eyes, shrugging, and sets his hand back over the lower part of Reaper's mask.]

...Gabe was kind of a private guy, he wasn't always around all the time so I didn't think much of it, but... Now his stuff's turned up. So he's gone, and I hate it.

[He looks back over at Karamatsu, pulling the mask off the table and setting it in his lap again.]

...don't go dying for anybody, shit's permanent here. [Is... is that concern.]

I would gladly sacrifice my entire person to protect somebody I love!
_{[ Oh. He just said it. And he looks a little drunk already. Rest in peace. ]}

What about you, ha-haa.. would you die for Reaper?
_{[ don't ask the self destructive one a question like that? ]}

Don't, I said.

[His tone is a little firmer, this time, and he's definitely a little bit drunk, himself, as evidenced by the way he reaches sideways and pushes at Karamatsu, leaving his hand on his upper arm.]

That's funny. You know how he was, I wouldn't have had the chance, anything that could kill him he'd see coming years before I even realized what was happening. And I think he was already dead, technically, anyway.

_{[ Dead anyway? That's.. that kind of spooky. But Karamatsu vaguely remembers Reaper threatening to take his soul, so he really wasn't even certain of Gabriel was human to begin with after all.
But that's Karamatsu. He's gullible as ever. Reaper could have said he was the devil himself and Karamatsu would have believed it.

But was it really a good match? Ichimatsu and the devil himself? Karamatsu doesn't even have to think about it for a moment-- he just nods his head, agreeing with his own unspoken thought. ]}

Ah. No worries then! Your life is valuable to me and valuable to him, I'm certain, so nobody will be dead besides him.
_{[ choose your words better???? ]}

Ha... can't people come back sometimes?

Edited 2018-04-06 14:35 (UTC)

[Why did he decide you were the one he wanted to talk to. He grumbles his way into a sigh and folds against the table, turning away from him again.]

Some combination of this conversation and beer was a mistake.

_{[ What did he say wrong!? He thought he was being real encouraging here! ]}

Oi, don't be like that, Ichimatsu.. there's still a chance. What if he comes back here? What if he comes back for you? I think he cared a good bit for you.
_{[ He shuffles a little closer, folding against the table and partially onto Ichimatsu. ]}

Ichimatsu. I'm so sorry. Ah.. at least you didn't make a mistake like I did and make him really mad at you. Hey, at least you're not me.

[That's just it, Karamatsu-- you are. You're being supportive and exactly what he won't admit he needs, right now, and he's handling it badly. As such, he flinches at his brother's weight leaning into him, but doesn't move away from it, just curling tighter around the mask in his lap and taking slow, measured breaths.]

[Slow, measured breaths which he lets out in an abrupt rush of air that resembles an ugly, ugly laugh, and he draws his knees up toward the underside of the table.]

See-- that's just it. It wouldn't be so bad, I don't think. To be like you-- to be willing to be honest. Maybe then I'd know what the fuck to feel, right now.

[At least if he'd made a mistake, Reaper would still be there to be mad at him. At least if he were mad it'd be something he could fix. At least, he'd not be floundering over this sudden gaping hole in his person, having only just barely realized friendship had taken the place of what had always been a void in his gut.]

_{[ As soon as Ichimatsu laughs, Karamatsu wraps an arm around him, pulling him a little closer to him. He's never really managed to get this far as being supportive towards Ichimatsu except when they were on the Eluvio. ]}

It seems.. appropriate to feel sad about it. I know I do not like showing sadness often but..! Ah, it is okay to show people sadness now and then, my brother! How else are you going to feel better about it if you don't?

_{[ LISTEN TO YOURSELF KARAMATSU. ]}

[And Eluvio, in fact, is precisely why he's gotten so far this time. Both because the time they shared there and the hardships they managed to face together aren't lost on Ichimatsu, and the fact that it means he's the only person, now, with Reaper gone, that remembers them. It's stitched a loose, patched bond the tiniest bit closer together, and Ichimatsu has finally realized that that's a good thing. Did he ever truly hate Karamatsu? No. Was it still fun as shit to give him absolute hell? Yes. But... Maybe, just maybe, he'd do it more carefully, now. He already had been, in a vague and roundabout way.]

[Being drawn closer to Karamatsu, on the other hand, does two things. It makes him flinch-- he's never been great with contact, and especially not when he's upset, but it also forces this uncomfortable bubble of anxious distress into the back of his throat that makes it hard to talk. ...Harder, that is. When he manages, his voice is squashed, like there's a very small space for the sound to pass through.]

I don't want to be sad about it, this is why I don't go to the trouble of making friends.

[He wants, somewhere in his mind and his twisted, sad little belly, to just cry. He wants to give that, to himself and to Karamatsu, to be open and to express emotion like a normal human being, but something stops him.]

_{[ Well, yeah. Karamatsu can agree that it sucks when friendships don't work out, or they leave, and you're sad, but..
Like always in regards to stuff like this, he does try to think positively when it comes to having friends. After all, loneliness is one thing he is terrified of. ]}

Not all friendships end up this way.. some can be very successful, and that is why you need to branch out and make more friends! If he left you important things, he must have cared a lot for you too.

It is okay to be sad about it.. like I said.
_{[ what a hypocrite... Karamatsu also hates feeling sad. ]}

Edited 2018-04-11 04:35 (UTC)

[He curls in further on himself, reaching up and tugging the beanie on the back of his head down so it covers his eyes and his ears. He mumbles, moreso than usual, as he does so.]

It's not worth it. I'm not worth it.

[This appears to be a losing battle, Karamatsu.]

_{[ It's always a losing battle, isn't it? Karamatsu feels like he's had this conversation multiple times— he still doesn't know the underlying issue at hand as to what precisely make Ichimatsu have such a low self-esteem. He figures it might be a similar reason that he feels that way, but he doesn't know what causes it suddenly like this. ]}

Says who? I think you are plenty worth it.

[He makes a frustrated little sound, and finally gives up to just turn inward to Karamatsu and press his face into his side.]

You, of all people, shouldn't think that, it's not healthy to think highly of people who abuse you.

W-Well..
_{[ He cradles Ichimatsu by the back of his head. ]}

We're brothers, so I cannot help but feel that way— to think you are worth it. Maybe... I understand how you feel, and being told that I am also worth it is what I'd like to hear so that is why I say it..
_{[ oops too honest.. ]}

[He curls his hands into Karamatsu’s shirt and chokes for a minute, and when he sits up to glare ineffectually at him his face and his eyes are red from the effort to not cry like the huge baby he really is. He shakes Karamatsu a little, gently, not keeping eye contact longer than maybe a few seconds.]

You are. I hate saying this, because I’ve always boasted this stupid obsession with “at least I’m better than Shittymatsu”, but I’ve never once been better than you. You’re actually likeable and you’re still sitting here looking after my wretched ass, drunk and sad about wasting a chance I probably never had in the first place.

[He looks back up, cracks something like a smile that really looks more like a grimace, and lets a thin track of tears make its way down his face.]

But, you know what? You’ve never once let me down. I’ve been such a piece of shit and you’re always there anyway. I’m so jealous of your kindness it makes me even sicker of myself than I already am.

Edited (how many times can i edit this) 2018-04-13 11:29 (UTC)

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